Well as you may have noticed the last few weeks I have been pretty quiet on the posting front and I’m not entirely sure about the reasons behind this. All I know is the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a bit down, not sure if it’s this horrible weather that the UK believes is summer or the feeling of slight loneliness or a mixture of lots of things! But I’m hoping that a few curly wurlies and some me time will help to shift it!
So the last couple of weeks I’ve been missing all of my uni family lots and just generally missing aspects of my life at uni. Being able to have my own space, speaking to people that aren’t my family and just the feeling of being chilled out. For some reason when I come home I’m always a bit more stressed, agitated and down compared to when I’m in Chester. It’s a bit like when you go on a long school trip you feel really good for the first few days then the homesickness starts to set in and you miss your mum and her home cooking. In my case it’s the other way round, I miss my crazy housemates and dominos pizza… But then occasionally I get the same feeling when I’m in Chester, it’s like I’m constantly homesick!
But I’m not homesick.
Because neither places are my home..
Yes all of my belongings are in Chester and my friends are there but it’s all temporary it’s not actually home is it?
And even back here in Norfolk, I’m currently staying at my Grandad’s as I don’t have a bedroom at my mum’s (my original home where I have lived for the last 16 years). I don’t have half of my things here and I could probably still live out of suitcase if I wanted to, so it doesn’t really feel like home. Well not my home anyway, just an extra long sleepover!
This is something I’ve been struggling with for a while since starting university. Where is my home? Do I even have one? If I don’t, how can I be feeling so homesick?
I know one of my housemates also feels this way sometimes and occasionally we will sit on my bedroom floor in Chester and have a little cry together while stuffing our faces with dominos and finish up laughing about how pathetic we both feel. But then for my other housemates it’s a different story, 2 of them basically live in Chester and their families either go up to see them or they go home for a week every 6 months, and my other housemate doesn’t live with her parents, she lives with her bf so she hasn’t really been living at ‘home’ for a while so she doesn’t really get the homesickness feeling any more.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, I’m just kinda waffling because I’m a bit emotional. Lol jk.
I think this time around what set it off is when in an argument with my snotty teenager of a sister she shouted ‘just go home’ and I didn’t know what to reply or what she really meant by that. Did she mean my grandad’s? Or Chester? Or my mums? And this upset me as I’ve struggled with fitting in nearly all my life because I am a bit odd and yes most of the time I love it! Where the fun in being ordinary eh? But when it came to my home and my family I thought I would always belong and always have a place there. But recently I feel like I don’t belong, like everyone is moving on without me. Which is fair enough, everyone can’t out their lives on hold for me going to university and I know my family loves me and I will always have somewhere to go if I needed to. But it’s not home. It’s my grandad’s, my dads or my mums. Not home.
You know that feeling you get when you walk into a friends house and it smells weird but when you walk into your own home it doesn’t smell? Well it smells weird wherever I am. And I don’t like it.
And the fact that I may have to stay at my grandad’s for another year while I do my Masters scares me. Another year of not having a home? Really?
I’m struggling to deal with this feeling of homesickness or whatever it is. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it better if I don’t know where my home is or where I belong. Does anyone else feel this way? How has everyone else coped with this?
Soz about all the emotions. Bit down, needed letting out!
Anyway now that it’s all out and after some me time, maybe I can get back to normal!